I accidentally had phone sex last night
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
