your parents love me but you hate me
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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