i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
