Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
