I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
