i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
