need another drink. this is the easiest way
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
