i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
