I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i wish my penis had a tongue
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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