Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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