Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
