shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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