You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
