I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
