my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
