He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
