you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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