Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
