I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
