Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
