jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
