There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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