So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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