bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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