I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize