Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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