You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
