Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
