wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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