he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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