We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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