no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
