who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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