just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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