Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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