I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I need to calm my uterus...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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