did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
