I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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