My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
