If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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