I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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