Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
