Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
