You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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