Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
