Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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