Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
