I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
