I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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