Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
