The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
