I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
