Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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