I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
