Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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