My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
