somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
