the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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