So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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