So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize