Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
well you can't waste a boner
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
