While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
