I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
