There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
