I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
