Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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