Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
